Time has come

I guess there's not one single way of dealing with BED but it's time to cope with the situation. It's been almost 8 years and the disorder has progressively gone worse and worse. I am not asking for compassion or understanding...not really. I just want to establish some conditions to remind me this is the only option. This is the chance I've been looking for.

First of all, I've been trying to avoid counselling and that's the worst mistake doubtlessly. I mean from here to an extent I will learn to manage the situations that trigger my anxiety. Honestly, I hate people. I hate teaching since last March. It's been a fucking nightmare and I had to put up with it through junk food. These teenagers, these kids, their parents and this whole world wild at heart makes me sick. Do I really want to teach? No, because I am going to be surrounded by juvenile delinquents and pakis. It's simply unhealthy. 

Secondly, I don't want to be told what I have to do. This comes from home as I am required to be perfect and pass the stupid national exams to become an official public teacher and I hate it. It just puts so much pressure on me that sometimes I can't even breathe for god's sake. This fucking exam has given me so much trouble that I am literally suffering because of it. Plus, everybody says same shit about it <<Oh, you won't have to worry about a job for the rest of your life.>>. Well, duh I have already been told about this loads of times. No need to remind it to me every single fucking hour. That seriously pisses me off. 

On addition, I love writing, cinema, anime, manga, music and beauty. Those are my true hobbies in life and they are exclusively what I care for. I don't give a damn fuck about science whatsoever. Not at all. That's the whole point. I am so annoyed by dedicating time and effort to something I hate and not being able to spend time writing, planning a script or a story. This is aching me so profoundly that sometimes I can't even take it.

I hate this country. I hate political correction, I hate leftists, I hate immigration and I hate SJWs people. This modern world is forcing me to live in a separate reality I hate so much. No speech freedom at all. I feel frustrated because everything sucks. No romance, no dreaming, no beauty, no manliness, nothing. Just covered by bullshit and forced to integrate collectively when I truly hate collectivism and society. It's awful.

Everything makes me feel so distressed that I yearn for a fucking time machine to go back to the 90s. At least I could flirt or fuck freely in the 90s. There were genuinely attractive men, unlike today. What's the whole point about living in this post-pandemic dystopia. It's so stupid.